Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist"s Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Computer STore: "Out for a quick byte"
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet
Bill's Voicepad Let Yourself Have Some Fun
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. (yeah!) It carries over no balance from day to day. Every night it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent of course!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft (bummer). Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live the utmost in health, happiness and success. The clock is running. Make the most of today. Remember that times waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. TODAY is a gift... that's why it is called the PRESENT.
Once upon a time the colors of the world started to quarrel: all claimed that they were the best, the most important, the most useful, the favorite.
GREEN said: "Clearly I am the most important. I am the sign of life and of hope. I was chosen for grass, trees, leaves - without me, all animals would die. Look over the countryside and you will see that I am in the majority."
BLUE interrupted: "You only think about the earth, but consider the sky and the sea. It is the water that is the basis of life and drawn up by the clouds from the deep sea. The sky gives space and peace and serenity. Without my peace, you would all be nothing."
YELLOW chuckled: "You are all so serious. I bring laughter, gaiety, and warmth into the world. The sun is yellow, the moon is yellow, the stars are yellow. Every time you look at a sunflower, the whole world starts to smile. Without me there would be no fun."
ORANGE started next to blow her trumpet: "I am the color of health and strength. I may be scarce, but I am precious for I serve the needs of human life. I carry the most important vitamins. Think of carrots, pumpkins, oranges, mangoes, and pawpaws. I don't hang around all the time, but when I fill the sky at sunrise or sunset, my beauty is so striking that no one gives another thought to any of you."
RED could stand it no longer. He shouted out: "I am the ruler of all of you - I am blood - life's blood! I am the color of danger and of bravery. I am willing to fight for a cause. I bring fire into the blood. Without me, the earth would be as empty as the moon. I am the color of passion and of love, the red rose, the poinsettia and the poppy."
PURPLE rose up to his full height. He was very tall and spoke with great pomp: "I am the color of royalty and power. Kings, cheifs, and bishops have always chosen me for I am the sign of authority and wisdom. People do not question me - they listen and obey."
Finally, INDIGO spoke, much more quietly than all the others, but with just as much determination: "Think of me. I am the color of silence. You hardly notice me, but without me you all become superficial. I represent thought and reflection, twilight and deep water. You need me for balance and contrast, for prayer and inner peace."
And so the colors went on boasting, each convinced of his or her own superiority. Their quarreling became louder and louder. Suddenly there was a startling flash of bright lightening - thunder rolled and boomed. Rain started to pour down relentlessly The colors crouched down in fear, drawing close to one another for comfort.
In the midst of the clamor, rain began to speak: "You foolish colors, fighting amongst yourselves, each trying to dominate the rest. Don't you know that you were each made for a special purpose, unique and different? Join hands with one another and come to me."
Doing as they were told, the colors united and joined hands. The rain continued: "From now on, when it rains, each of you will stretch across the sky in a great bow of color as a reminder that you can all live in peace. The rainbow is a sign of hope for tomorrow."
And so, whenever a good rain washes the world, and a rainbow appears in the sky, let us remember to appreciate one another.
~~~~ Based on a Native American Legend ~~~~
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
All porcupines float in water.
An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
Camel's milk does not curdle.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
It Could Save Some Serious Embarrassment!
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem -- Feeling Free," was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue," the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market, which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse."
Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts."
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read, "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
Three years ago, during a trip to Indiana, my folks decided to show off their new "real" Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi's. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, my partner started to laugh. My folks asked him why he was laughing, and he explained that in Spanish, "chi-chi's" literally means "titties."
Probably the most famous of all is John Kennedy's announcement to the people of Berlin, "Ich bin ein Berliner!" JFK thought he said, "I am a citizen of Berlin!" What he *really* said was, "I am a jelly doughnut!" ("Berliner" is German for "jelly doughnut".)
My favorite one: my wife and I had some friends from England visit us a few years back. Their teenage daughter got a huge laugh from the name of an airline back then: The Trump Shuttle (Donald Trump's airline). They said in England, "Trump" translated into "fart."