1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really going to try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It’s all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

"Meet Our Pet Gator Butch"

My Ship The USS Courtney  DE 1021

---

Henry A. Courtney , born 6 January 1916 in Duluth, Minn, was commissioned a second lieutenant in the Marine Corps Reserve in February 1940. As a company commander on Guadalcanal in 1942, he shared in the Presidential Unit Citation awarded the First Marine Division. While serving as executive officer of a battalion of the Sixth Marine Division on Okinawa, he was killed in action after exhibiting great courage and selfsacrifice leading a successful night attack against enemy positions on Sugar Loaf Hill 15 May 1945. He was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor, and a second Presidential Unit Citation that was earned by the Sixth Marine Division.

---

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coca-Cola was originally green. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to lick your elbow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The youngest pope was 11 years old. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A. Conception. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and Laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?

A. He was allergic to carrots. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?

A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

"Did You Know That..."

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

All porcupines float in water.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Camel's milk does not curdle.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.

Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Where Did That Come From

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temp isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be... Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body Odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pet dogs, cats and other small animals: mice, rats bugs - lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That is how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "Dirt Poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway, hence a -"Threshold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a quite a while, hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "Could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "Chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood, with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, one would get "Trenchmouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "Upper Crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom of holding a "Wake."

England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "Graveyard Shift") to listen for the bell, thus, someone could be "Saved by the bell," or was considered a "Dead Ringer."

Having Fun

Who says wisdom only comes with age? These are pretty cute.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to8 year-olds.

"What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my Mommy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my Daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My Mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

(The best saved until last.)

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

It Could Have Save Some Serious Embarrassment!

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem -- Feeling Free," was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called "Cue," the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market, which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

We all know about GM's Chevy Nova meaning "it won't go" in Spanish markets, but did you know that Ford had a similar problem in Brazil with the Pinto? Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford renamed the automobile Corcel, meaning "horse."

Hunt-Wesson introduced Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos. Later they found out that in slang it means "big breasts."

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read, "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la," meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."

Three years ago, during a trip to Indiana, my folks decided to show off their new "real" Mexican restaurant, named Chi-chi's. Upon seeing the name on the marquis, my partner started to laugh. My folks asked him why he was laughing, and he explained that in Spanish, "chi-chi's" literally means "titties."

Probably the most famous of all is John Kennedy's announcement to the people of Berlin, "Ich bin ein Berliner!" JFK thought he said, "I am a citizen of Berlin!" What he *really* said was, "I am a jelly doughnut!" ("Berliner" is German for "jelly doughnut".)

My favorite one: my wife and I had some friends from England visit us a few years back. Their teenage daughter got a huge laugh from the name of an airline back then: The Trump Shuttle (Donald Trump's airline). They said in England, "Trump" translated into "fart."

From The Storehouse Of Useless Knowledge!

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldnt beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects legs in it.

The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesnt wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.

If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the 5 bill.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokai wenuakitnatahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".

A Mayfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away. (pretty good trick)

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

Tips For A Lifetime

1) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips..

2) Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle -perfectly-shaped pancakes every time..

3) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

4) To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling..

5) Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers..

6) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing..

7) To easily remove burned-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top - skillet will be much easier to clean..

8) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces - no more stains..

9) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead - no white mess on the outside of the cake.

10) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato - it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

11) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator - it will keep for weeks.

12) Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish..

13) Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.

14) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness..

15) To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh - if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

16) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away..

17) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces..

18) If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy...

19) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water..

20) To get rid of itch from mosquito bite: try applying soap on the area. Instant relief..

21) Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march - see for yourself..

22) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine..

23) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter,then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

24) NOW Look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer: Clean a toilet - drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.. Clean a vase - to remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets..

Polish jewelry - drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle - fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain - clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water..

25) If your VCR is over 10 years old and has a year setting on it, you will not be able to use the programmed recording feature after 12/31/99. Don't throw it away. Instead, set it for the year 1972 as the days are the same as the year 2000. The manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a new Y2K VCR..

Redneck Watching

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You think the OJ Trial is a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.

You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got cought up your nose.

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

How do you know when your staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Why did God invent armadillos? So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell

Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas? I-40.

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room? A full set of teeth.

You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!"

You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

You thought that Arkansas rest stop was the nicest destination resort ever.

You think safe sex is a padded headboard.

You think subdivision is part of a math problem.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You can get dog hair from your belly button.

You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You use a weedeater in your living room.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Funny Signs

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist"s Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels

Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Computer STore: "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet

Language Trivia

Here's some language trivia for you. Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fig, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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Bill's Pearls Of Wisdom

Gainesville A Great Place To Live "Bill' Voicepad" Let Yourself Have Some Fun "True Time" The Official U.S.Time Link

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Let's Have Some Fun

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

The Universe Is Made Of Stories, Not Atoms

There was once a storyteller who told many people of her life. They listened and heard their own stories in hers. Hearing her story, they didn't feel so lonely anymore. Hearing about someone else who had lost things and people she loved, who had felt lonely, scared, and unsure of herself, let them feel less crazy when similar things happened to them.

Because of the healing they felt through hearing someone else's story, some of the listeners decided to become storytellers themselves. As they recounted their stories, they found that letting out secrets that had bothered them for years freed them to feel good about who they were and who they had always wanted to be. What secrets can you share today?

Did You Know That

The abbreviation for 1 pound (lb.) comes from the astrological sign Libra,meaning balance?

If you took a standard slinky and stretched it out it would measure 87 feet

1/100th of a second is called a "jiffy?"

There are 1,929,770,126,028,800 different color combinations possible on a Rubik's Cube?

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

The condom-made originally of linen-was invented in the early 1500s.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

Dance Like No One's Watching

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a
baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough
and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we
have teenagers to deal with, we will certainly be happy when they are out of
that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or
her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation,
when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to
yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes
from Alfred D Souza.

He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -
real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be
gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt
to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way, so, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it
more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend
your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you
lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids
leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married,
until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a
new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer,
until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up,
until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time
than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So, Work like you don't need money. Love like you've never been hurt and
Dance Like no one's watching.

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Bill Holt

United States